3rd June 2016
RETURN TO THE LAND OF CORBYNIA
–By Keith Nieland-
As we return to Corbynia spirits are high as the true believers prepare for Red Mandate Day in September. Work is progressing apace on the banners to be hung over the walls of Castle Corbyn aimed at reminding the so-called ordinary people of the errors of their ways. “Death to Red Tories” remains a banner favourite closely followed by “No More Tory Lite” but a new favourite is emerging taken from the writings of Little John: “Sharing wine with thine enemies doth discredit us all”.
The banners mean little to the ordinary people but that is not the point as their purpose is to make true believers feel good about themselves.
As we enter Comrade Jeremy’s chambers we find him just about to receive Baron Cruddus de Dagenham who has come to report on the recent campaign.
“Sire, I have to report we lost territory in the shires to the west and were totally defeated in the mountains and valleys to the north but in the Woodland Realm the picture was more mixed. The really good news came in our capital city where we had a stunning victory.”
Little John intercedes, “Sire, if I may say the so-called victory in the capital city is a discredited one as against our orders Citizen Khan reached out to non-believers. True victories of principle come from only true believers and converts from the disengaged.”
“Anyway”, continues the Baron, ” we did not do better because the ordinary people are worried we would allow the land to be overrun by Orcs, that we give too much money to the supporters of Angmar and cannot be trusted with the land’s treasury.”
“But before you consider these matters, Sire, I have a petition to present to you”.
Comrade Jeremy perks up “Oh I do like a good petition. Is it a petition of solidarity with the people of Mordor perhaps or a demand Aragorn be put on trial for war crimes?”
“No sire. It’s from the Ancient Order of Giant Catapult Constructors. They are concerned about your plan to close the works that make catapults. The Order says it will make us defenceless should Sauron attack. What’s more they don’t like your plan to give them new jobs in the messenger centre writing notes for owls to deliver asking homes if they desire new bark for their driveways, straw for their roofs or replacement window shutters. They say it demeans them and does not reflect their skill level.”
“But I am a man of peace. Even the most evil have a point and we should sit with them for a conversation. It is most annoying when practical matters get in the way of one’s principles. What’s to be done?”
“May I speak?” says Arwen of Islington. “I have an idea. Why don’t we keep open the giant catapult works and instead cease the production of sling shot and giant cannon balls?”
“What an excellent idea,” responds Comrade Jeremy. “That way I get to keep my principles and they get to keep their jobs. A win all round. Go and deliver the good news, Baron.”
“But sire I have another petition here. This one’s from the Ancient Order of Sling Shot Makers!”
(with apologies to J. K. Rowling and J. R. R. Tolkien)